What clay desires, in the hands of the Potter

"...O Lord, Thou art our Father; we are the clay, and thou art our potter; we are all the work of thy hand." - Isaiah 64:8

What I desire could be considered quite plain, I want to go to Heaven and be with Jesus. And if God wished that to be sooner rather than later, that would be fine by me. Now, I'm not being morbid here, I just love God, and want to be as close to Him as possible, which ultimately is to be with Him in Paradise. But, in terms of life on earth, my desire, is to become a nun.

To some who might read this, the reaction could be something like, "she's nuts," "people don't do that anymore," or "must be some kind of a fanatic." Well, I'll agree to the last possible comment, I certainly am a fanatic, that is, when it comes to Jesus. As far as the second comment, I would refer you to the growing communities of religious sisters that have many young people of the "new millennium" opting for religious life. And as for being nuts, well, I think it's safe to say we're all a little "nuts" in our own way.

When God touches your heart to the extent that you finally come to realize, that nothing, I mean literally NOTHING, will satisfy you besides HIM, and you realize that His Love is really everything... and I suppose since I consider myself in this position, then I have duly gained the title, "fanatic." But it's not a fantasy. Big difference. Because Jesus is real, He is God, and He is also Human.

But what most people have a hard time understanding, is that when God does touch your heart in such a way, at least as it did with me, you cannot help but want to give everything in love back to Jesus; even in giving up your life for Him; which is what the religious life is certainly focused on. For me, I really do feel that I owe everything to God. EVERYTHING, is His. I am very aware that Jesus saved me; and have no reason to comprehend why I feel He is leading me to this kind of life with Him. I can only sum it up in the words of St. Paul,

"For He says to Moses: "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion."So it depends not upon man's will or exertion, but upon God's mercy...Who are you, a man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "why have you made me thus?" Has the potter no right over the clay[?]...as indeed He says in Hose'a..."and her who was not beloved I will call 'my beloved.'"" (Romans 9:15-16, 20-21, 25)

These words give me confidence that God, if in His mercy and goodness is calling me, then He will take care of me and help me to see it through. The hard part is though, once you feel God has set you on a certain path, in my case this one of discerning religious life, it's much more difficult to continue to walk on it. More than one might think. Why should I have thought that this part of discerning would be easy? In fact, it's become the hardest thing I think so far I have ever done.

But, I wouldn't go back for a minute. I have the sure sense that God is leading me, and in His time will show me where He wants me to go. Trusting Him, has often proved my greatest challenge. But I have been learning that there is NO ONE, I should rather put my trust. And to me, what's so amazing is that God allows, and even wishes, me to be His bride! In my opinion, you could never ask for a better husband. :)

I don't know what the future holds, But I rest assured that He does. And in the meantime, I wait, and remember, that I am clay, in the hands of the Potter.